Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides

Thar be an old legend of 18th century Pirates on the high seas who went all around the world looking for loot and booty. However, this here story begins instead in 1967 when Walt Disney opened a brand new exhibit for kiddies at Disneyland: Pirates of the Caribbean. Then in 2001 the live-action studio thought up an idea for a movie based on this which in 2003 became “Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl”. Little did these scurvy land lovers have any idea that this little high-seas adventure would spawn two sequels and over $2,600,000,000 in revenue, largely in part to its inspired casting of Johnny Depp (Edward Scissorhands, Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street) as the iconic Captain Jack Sparrow. Now in 2011 Captain Sparrow is ready to fly again, but unfortunately this movie’s rum is all gone.

“Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides” has Depp back in action, but also in trouble. He’s been arrested (a-hem, commissioned) by the King of England directly to find the long fabled Fountain of Youth before the Spanish Armada does. To help motivate him, they also hire one of Sparrow’s arch-enemies as a chaperone: Oscar-winner Geoffrey Rush (Shine, The King’s Speech) as the wicked Captain Barbossa, now working legally for the Crown. In order to find the Fountain, they have to work together against the Spaniards, flesh-eating Mermaids (with razor-sharp teeth and seaweed whips!), and the most evil Pirate of all: Blackbeard. The real-life villian is played with gusto by Ian McShane (TV’s Deadwood, Kung Fu Panda), but his daughter is even more treacherous. The lady in question is Angelica, a feisty Penélope Cruz (Blow, Volver) who can command men to their doom…except that Jack and Angelica are former lovers and volatile at best. With so many problems arising and death all around, can Captain Jack get his desires, or just really bad eggs?

After the last Pirates “… At World’s End” tanked with the audiences, Disney made the right choice to give the sea dogs one last chance at the box office. Moving the production to Hawaii, hiring a new director in Rob Marshall (Chicago, Memoirs of a Geisha), and spending $200,000,000 on production has made this a worthy addition to the franchise. The sets are big, the action fun, and in new IMAX 3D this is a perfect popcorn movie. McShane is good in slimy villian mode, but it’s Cruz who shines as the new lead female. She’s the best rival to Depp that could have been found.

Yet with some of the magic returning to the movies, this is far from perfect. At 137 minutes the movie is WAY too long. Most of the story is emphasized on Barbossa and Angelica, and adding zombie sailors is hardly the same as the awesome ghosts of the first movie. One of the mermaids genuinely falls for a young missionary, but who cares? Blackbeard’s demise is nothing like what happened in real life. Plus the climax is wholly predictable, far too similar to “Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade”. So in summary, “… On Stranger Tides” is certainly strange the way we like it, but this franchise has been worked to death.

“…a Pirate’s life for me.”