Conan the Barbarian

In 1932 an American author of pulp paperback novels wanted to create a dark-haired hero of sword and sandals. This brutish but brilliant thief and warrior had developed for another twenty years on paper, but most people recognize the character in the 1982 Arnold Schwarzenegger epic, ” Conan the Barbarian”. It’s the role that put Arnie on the Hollywood map, and spawned a sequel and spinoffs. A third film was set for a 1987 release until the bodybuilder shifted his contract, and thus the franchise has since been put on hold, until now. We have a reboot of Conan for the 21st century, but honestly it should have ended a long time ago.

The 2011 remake of the same name opens on a battlefield where a pregnant woman is dying. Her child is cut out of her, miraculously alive, and with her dying breath the woman names her son Conan. Skip ahead 15 years later, the child is now a teen raised by his father, a tough Ron Pearlman (Hellboy I-II, Season of the Witch). Conan goes off with older boys to test his manhood in nearby woods, where he is attacked by four adult soldiers. To everyone’s surprise, the boy kills them all with amazing skill! However, the dead are just scouts for an army of bandits, searching for the magical Mask of Acheron to evoke evil spirits. Soon Conan’s village is destroyed by the ruthless Zym, played by Stephen Lang (Public Enemies, Avatar). Conan’s father is slain, and the mask is taken, but this is not about to stop the boy warrior. As he grows up into a 6 foot 5 inch tall muscle god (seriously, ladies will drool for this guy) Conan adopts the life of a bandit and liberator of slave camps. However, his past comes back to haunt him, and he will have to face Zym once again and revenge his father while saving the world from dark powers.

Actor Jason Momoa (TV’s Stargate Atlantis , TV’s Game of Thrones) takes the titular role of Conan. The Hawaiian supermodel certainly looks the part, but his character has been reduced to a third-rate cliché. Harsh as it sounds, the poor guy couldn’t act his way out of a wet paper bag. Rachel Nichols (Star Trek, G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra) plays Tamara, a monk (wouldn’t that be a nun, or priestess?) who has little to do other than become his possession for bargaining. Lang is sadly rehashing his role from “Avatar” in a different setting. The most interesting character is Marique, a memorable Rose McGowan (TV’s Charmed, Grindhouse), who is Zym’s daughter. She uses witchcraft to help her daddy in his quest, and also exhibits a kinky Electra complex for him.

“Conan the Barbarian” has been in development for years, and now ends up as a B-movie letdown. Right now Schwarzenegger can’t understand these young filmmakers, and Kevin Sorbo is laughing his head off.